Golden Sorrows

Kind of a current passed within… I opened my eyes. It was the beginning of one another day in my life.
 I looked around my room. Everything was same… just as before. The chairs, my teddies, the music band posters, my bed, the curtains… nothing had changed. The same air touched me once again. Things were so similar, but still, I felt that something had changed. Life was not as correct as it used to be. I felt incomplete..despondency curled around like a strong force. I was trying hard to escape that eerie feeling but being incapable of doing so, at that time, all I could do was to stare here and there. Maybe that was the state of my mind, it might have happened that everything was actually the same for the whole world but for me this similarity did not matter?

I walked towards the window and looked through it. The garden was covered with light-brown autumn leaves. Half of them were turning golden in the radiance of sunlight.. 
The world probably must be enjoying the shimmering autumn being transformed into hazy winter by the slow process of seasoning but my emotions were exactly the opposite. The golden leaves were tearing my soul apart. That was the time when it had all started and that was the time when everything was finished…

I remembered the time when we were sitting in the garden, he made an autumn leaf touch my cheeks. The touch of the golden edge soothed my soul, which now pricked me every time I saw it. Just a year before the tragedy, everything was so good, the air around was full of life. But now, the same air was committed to loneliness and this loneliness was consuming me into itself.

It was the mid of October, the perfect autumn, when I had heard the terrible news of his death. After that whenever I walked up to his grave, I saw golden leaves lying there… and they gave me a memory of how much he enjoyed being embraced by autumn and how much I enjoyed being with him. The drops of tears which fell from my eyes, fell with the memories of the beautiful past, I had.

So, I was looking outside the window. A leaf fell on the ground. It gave me a fresh memory of the smiles we shared, the things we enjoyed and the three most beautiful words we had said to each other. This is the only reason why I felt (still feel) averted towards the golden glow of the autumn leaves. These were like a proof of our love.  and every time I saw them, they made me recall the most precious thing I had lost.

Really not wanting to hurt myself anymore, i closed the window. But as long as the autumn leaves were there in my garden, I was helpless. The color of the golden leaves mixed up with the golden tears of mine…